Friday, December 30, 2011
The Tide Will Fall
Heygirls! It's just a few days away from the new year (2012) and I have had a revelation for several days... Get out now! Time to move on with your life and mean it. Time to look at yourself with new eyes and all the honesty and wisdom and love that God has given you and push through. It is time for that breakthrough. You don't need a man to fulfill your desires. Men are cruel, impatient, strong-willed, vindictive, selfish and jealous. You don't need them pushing you around and asserting their "authority" over you. The one I'm with has recently taken a liking to the scripture supporting submissive wives. (uh-uhn, ohn-no, first of all, I'm not your wife.) Second of all, I keep telling this individual that the Bible requires for the man to be equally submissive to God. This, I realize is an attempt at controlling me. (Like he had done so many times in the past) to the unwitting women he abused over and over again.). I am particularly bothered by his lack of conscious. I have heard this individual say to me in response to a conflict, "You should do whatever necessary for a woman of faith to operate, and God will hold me accountable for what I do r don't do." Well, that's true, but I have a hard time just watching an individual who has no empathy or understanding for other's feelings, no compassion and no heart for anyone. Always looking to call a spade a spade if it is anyone else but him, but he has a hard time accepting what he's doing wrong. That's likely the reason he has such an extensive criminal record. This type of individual places all women in one pot, we're all here for the same reason (to provide him with pleasure and comfort). I just got out of a relationship with one who was self absorbed, selfish and chauvinistic. Boy, I can really attract these fools. One of these days I will meet a Christain man, a man of grace, who loves God and is patient, kind and enduring with a loving heart like Jesus and compassion for mankind. Who is in love with Jesus, first and foremost, and in love with me, second. Not some leper who is out to ride my coattails because he cannot stand up on his own two feet. The same one who is always spouting, "I'm a man!" or "I'm the man of this house" is the same one who has had to rely upon me to pay bills, buy cigarettes, take care of financial setbacks, and bail him out of jail. This I do not call a man, I call this a user and abuser. If he were the kindest, sweetest, gentlest personality, I may be able to forgive some of the character flaws, but this individual is the meanest spirited person I have ever met. He rarely picks up the Bible, and when he does, it's to underscore some twisted view on why men are superior, etc. to justify his barbaric behavior. I have had this individual choke me for taking his little itty bitty marijuana joint. This individual is a nasty pig, with no pride, who doesn't pick up after himself and who expects me to do all the cleaning and be sweet and innocent (and gullible) toward him. He has the audacity to invite friends over, with no warning, and expect me to be alright with it. I really haev no motivation left to do anything positive in this relationship. I'm sick and tired of living in this reality. Go, latch onto some other poor victim who doesn't know any better and thinks you can make her happy. I certainly didn't know any better. Sure, when things are going well for him, he shows concern for me, but the wrath exercised by him, when things do not go his way or if I challenge him (Oh God). I'm 45 years old and I deserve better. I have been praying to God for the inner strength to guide me through the next phase of my life and to protect me and my kids as I think of some way to get out of this abusive relationship. I have no job, no transportation and no relatives in this state. I know my family would not approve of this relationship, seeing as though I am a highly educated, assertive woman. I have let myself go because I don't have the funding to maintain my looks and health. I need to get to the doctor and dentist. I have headaches everyday that I am sure is related to the stress from this awful relationship. I could've stayed in the horrible marriage I was in if I knew all of this would be in my future. It's definitely not going to get any better. What do I do?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Domestic Violence - Don't Stand For It
I was listening intently to NPR this morning and I heard about a woman in Libya who was attacked and raped by multiple assailants - one of them was an officer in the military. (!). Poor woman, the military rep tried to explain it away, saying the woman was a prostitute and that "everyone in the city knew who he was. Suggesting that she asked to be gang raped. The incident went virile because after the incident the woman fled to a hotel where she knew there would be American reporter. You go girl! I wanted to go through the radio and slap the stew out of that pig who had made that comment about her.
After I got over the ire I felt about this story, I began to think about a DV incident I had had about a year ago with my live-in. Basically the long and the short of it is that I had had his kids and my kids in the house for several days and we had a flood (leak). The landlord was working on the issue and, since it was summertime, it was boiling in the house. BF was working when it happened. Landlord sent some people over, yadda, yadda, yadda. .. I felt that BF came home thinking I was supposed to live in that situation (ht, funky) and I didn't feel he had too much sympathy for me or his teenage daughter. So, when the landlord volunteered a nice cool, pool-inclusive hotel for the duration of the time, I jumped on the opportunity! So, next day, boyfriend goes to a weekend gig, and when he gets home, the same thing happens. So, I say to his teenage daughter, "once I get the arrangements made for this hotel, ya'll come go with me (meaning the younger son and, of course, my two kids as well. BF falls asleep (high on weed) and we go out the back door. Because of course everyone had their bags packed ahead of time.
Anyhoo, we go on out the back door and drive 30 minutes away to the hotel. Wonderful. We get in the pool, I get a beverage and a cigarette and it's easy street for the rest of the night. Well, when BF wakes up we're gone and he's a cussing, high, drunk lunatic. (click) I keep hanging the phone up on him because I refuse to listen to that smutt talk. Ringgg. Ringgg. What the &^*%!!!! (Click. Again. Click. Again. Click. Same thing goes on for several ours. Children's mama comes over. We get in the pool. She brings food and snacks. Awesome. Fool keeps calling. Now everybody gets to listen to him on speakerphone.
9:30 p.m. - Time to order pizza. We wait an hour for the delivery. No go on the pizza. They screwed up the order. Order a new pizza, feed the kids. Make a promise to pick up the BF. Fall asleep. He calls back in the morning. I finally come get him in the afternoon. He had trashed my house, broken hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise, put his fist through a double-paned glass mosaic. Blood was everywhere. Mama and Mama's mama came along for the ride and witnessed the entire incident. He refused to talk, was hateful and hostile and never said one word to me. He pushed me over the decompressor machine sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and I tripped over it.
He pushes me out of the door, follows me to the car. I hurreidly get in and lock the door before he can make his way over to the driver's side door, and I lock the door. He punches the windshield and I see the glass shatter right in front of me. He gets in the car, pulls my transmission out of gear, snatches off my wig and throws in into the nearby woods. Mama and Mama's Mama are aghast. Mama's mama tries to calm him down, and says, "Just leave." I drive to the nearby police station and park. I call the police when I get there. I am shaking like a leaf. Mama's mama and mama meet me at the police station and I file a complaint. They drive back over to the house (just up the road) to investigate. When it is all over, BF is in cuffs, I am crying and the police are all through the house like white on rice.
I couldn't get my car to run once I parked it at the police station. I had to get it towed. Now I didn't even have a car to drive. What a mess! Now what do I do? I feel ashamed, hurt, lost, dazed and confused. I remember thinking, "What would make another human being treat another like this?" There is no reason for someone to treat another person this way. I never wanted to see him again. Ever. Love should never hurt and respect goes a long way.
So, ladies, now that I have shared this episode with you, I am here to tell you never compromise your standards. Don't stand for any disrespect. Ever. When he first disrespects you, leave and don't look back. Period.
God will bring you the man he wants you to have in his own time.
Peace.
After I got over the ire I felt about this story, I began to think about a DV incident I had had about a year ago with my live-in. Basically the long and the short of it is that I had had his kids and my kids in the house for several days and we had a flood (leak). The landlord was working on the issue and, since it was summertime, it was boiling in the house. BF was working when it happened. Landlord sent some people over, yadda, yadda, yadda. .. I felt that BF came home thinking I was supposed to live in that situation (ht, funky) and I didn't feel he had too much sympathy for me or his teenage daughter. So, when the landlord volunteered a nice cool, pool-inclusive hotel for the duration of the time, I jumped on the opportunity! So, next day, boyfriend goes to a weekend gig, and when he gets home, the same thing happens. So, I say to his teenage daughter, "once I get the arrangements made for this hotel, ya'll come go with me (meaning the younger son and, of course, my two kids as well. BF falls asleep (high on weed) and we go out the back door. Because of course everyone had their bags packed ahead of time.
Anyhoo, we go on out the back door and drive 30 minutes away to the hotel. Wonderful. We get in the pool, I get a beverage and a cigarette and it's easy street for the rest of the night. Well, when BF wakes up we're gone and he's a cussing, high, drunk lunatic. (click) I keep hanging the phone up on him because I refuse to listen to that smutt talk. Ringgg. Ringgg. What the &^*%!!!! (Click. Again. Click. Again. Click. Same thing goes on for several ours. Children's mama comes over. We get in the pool. She brings food and snacks. Awesome. Fool keeps calling. Now everybody gets to listen to him on speakerphone.
9:30 p.m. - Time to order pizza. We wait an hour for the delivery. No go on the pizza. They screwed up the order. Order a new pizza, feed the kids. Make a promise to pick up the BF. Fall asleep. He calls back in the morning. I finally come get him in the afternoon. He had trashed my house, broken hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise, put his fist through a double-paned glass mosaic. Blood was everywhere. Mama and Mama's mama came along for the ride and witnessed the entire incident. He refused to talk, was hateful and hostile and never said one word to me. He pushed me over the decompressor machine sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and I tripped over it.
He pushes me out of the door, follows me to the car. I hurreidly get in and lock the door before he can make his way over to the driver's side door, and I lock the door. He punches the windshield and I see the glass shatter right in front of me. He gets in the car, pulls my transmission out of gear, snatches off my wig and throws in into the nearby woods. Mama and Mama's Mama are aghast. Mama's mama tries to calm him down, and says, "Just leave." I drive to the nearby police station and park. I call the police when I get there. I am shaking like a leaf. Mama's mama and mama meet me at the police station and I file a complaint. They drive back over to the house (just up the road) to investigate. When it is all over, BF is in cuffs, I am crying and the police are all through the house like white on rice.
I couldn't get my car to run once I parked it at the police station. I had to get it towed. Now I didn't even have a car to drive. What a mess! Now what do I do? I feel ashamed, hurt, lost, dazed and confused. I remember thinking, "What would make another human being treat another like this?" There is no reason for someone to treat another person this way. I never wanted to see him again. Ever. Love should never hurt and respect goes a long way.
So, ladies, now that I have shared this episode with you, I am here to tell you never compromise your standards. Don't stand for any disrespect. Ever. When he first disrespects you, leave and don't look back. Period.
God will bring you the man he wants you to have in his own time.
Peace.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Hey, Maybe It's Not Such A Bad Idea After All..
How the hell do the smart women always get caught up with the bad boys??? Loneliness, always wantin to have a man to lean on, etc. What's the deal with that? Let me tell you girls something from experience - YOU
DON'T NEED A MAN to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself, secure, confident, and, most importantly, at peace with yourself. Open the Bible and you'll find out what I'm talking about if you don't know any better right now.
Don't be a man'sticket to nowhere. If you wanna date, go on date, but by no means should you pull the soft, comfy rug out from under your own behind, to accommodate some man and you don't know him from Adam. Take it easy, one step at a time. Make him wonder, let him sweat. If he goes o his merry way, fine and dandy- you didn't need him in your live anyway. If he sticks around, maybe you might have a possbility of somewhting there. (I said, maybe). I hate to sound so harsh, girls, but experience will teach you a few things. Don't make the same mistakes I have made, take the advice from a DIVA that's been through it- if he doesn't have a viable income, a car, credit - Run!
You can do bad all by yourself. Seek comfort in the Lord. He'll never let you fall.
God bless and keep striving, girls.
DON'T NEED A MAN to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself, secure, confident, and, most importantly, at peace with yourself. Open the Bible and you'll find out what I'm talking about if you don't know any better right now.
Don't be a man'sticket to nowhere. If you wanna date, go on date, but by no means should you pull the soft, comfy rug out from under your own behind, to accommodate some man and you don't know him from Adam. Take it easy, one step at a time. Make him wonder, let him sweat. If he goes o his merry way, fine and dandy- you didn't need him in your live anyway. If he sticks around, maybe you might have a possbility of somewhting there. (I said, maybe). I hate to sound so harsh, girls, but experience will teach you a few things. Don't make the same mistakes I have made, take the advice from a DIVA that's been through it- if he doesn't have a viable income, a car, credit - Run!
You can do bad all by yourself. Seek comfort in the Lord. He'll never let you fall.
God bless and keep striving, girls.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
You Can't Be Everything They Want You To Be
Just take a breath before reading this. I mean a good long breath. Now read.
Girls, you know we are notorious for going out and buying on impulse because we have to keep up with other women, or because we have to get our husbands or boyfriends to notice us, or because we have to keep him at home/interested in us/listening to us, etc. A new pair of shoes, a purse, a bikini, (well no, not a bikini, that's too painful.), but you get the picture.
The superwoman complex this country has generated, (and, we ourselves have too) that we're multi-functioning, multi-tasking maniacal robots who stop at nothing to please our man and keep everything in place (including ourselves) at the same time is nothing but bullshit. Come on, now, if men had to do half the things in a week, that we do in a day, they would be strewn across the lawn with a Slo Gin Fizz half drank laying next to them, clothes everywhere, dishes piled up in the sink, take out containers on the floor next to the bed and every TV in the house would be on and running (and loud).
I had a good friend from Louisiana who told her husband (very matter-of-factly), "I only do one domestic chore a day, and das dat!" I heard her say it myself. And what did he do. He smiled and said nothing. And after 35 years of marriage I guess he got the point a long time ago.
The message here ladies, whether you're married to the schmuck or not, don't overextend yourself. Make sure you have yourself taken care of first, and of course any children. The rest will wait. And I mean it..So the house if a little messy, so what if there are dishes in the sink. Leave them there. When he feels like chipping in, he will, and, if he doesn't TAKE YOUR TIME getting it done. If dinner is that important to him, he'll work with you. "I guess tonight is Chines food nite, huh, babe?" (At this point you'll just stare at him and nod your head.)
Girls, you know we are notorious for going out and buying on impulse because we have to keep up with other women, or because we have to get our husbands or boyfriends to notice us, or because we have to keep him at home/interested in us/listening to us, etc. A new pair of shoes, a purse, a bikini, (well no, not a bikini, that's too painful.), but you get the picture.
The superwoman complex this country has generated, (and, we ourselves have too) that we're multi-functioning, multi-tasking maniacal robots who stop at nothing to please our man and keep everything in place (including ourselves) at the same time is nothing but bullshit. Come on, now, if men had to do half the things in a week, that we do in a day, they would be strewn across the lawn with a Slo Gin Fizz half drank laying next to them, clothes everywhere, dishes piled up in the sink, take out containers on the floor next to the bed and every TV in the house would be on and running (and loud).
I had a good friend from Louisiana who told her husband (very matter-of-factly), "I only do one domestic chore a day, and das dat!" I heard her say it myself. And what did he do. He smiled and said nothing. And after 35 years of marriage I guess he got the point a long time ago.
The message here ladies, whether you're married to the schmuck or not, don't overextend yourself. Make sure you have yourself taken care of first, and of course any children. The rest will wait. And I mean it..So the house if a little messy, so what if there are dishes in the sink. Leave them there. When he feels like chipping in, he will, and, if he doesn't TAKE YOUR TIME getting it done. If dinner is that important to him, he'll work with you. "I guess tonight is Chines food nite, huh, babe?" (At this point you'll just stare at him and nod your head.)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tacky vs. Classy (or Superfluous)
Ever wonder why your man might be attracted to a woman who you never expected him to be attracted to? I mean, someone who looks nothing like you, her body image is the exact opposite of yours, and she may even be a different race? Does your man make stupid side comments walking through the mall or watching a television show when another woman pops up on the screen? Ladies, don't they rub you the wrong way? And of course you know if you reply back to him, you're automatically "jealous" or "insecure." To which I reply (calmly) "Baby, there is nothing that that woman has that I don't have and haven't seen or played with a million times."
Remember, the angrier you get about his off-the-wall comments which have no basic function other than to get you mad, the better he will feel. So, play it cool, sistas. Ride the wave. Then when an attractive man pops up on the television, you gasp as though the wind was just knocked out of you OhmiGod! look at that fine piece of ass and that big strapping dick he has! Jesus Christ I want him.! Then leave the room. That oughta shut him up for a couple of months!
But seriously, what makes a man "observe" a woman who is so different from you? You may think she is tacky or ghetto or stank or whatever. Her hair is not right, her clothes are not right, she is too tall, too fat, too skinny, ugly teeth, she has a bad attitude, she needs a makeover, her skirts are too short, pants too tight, etc. Or she could be the opposite. She could be stuck up, thinks she is better, conceited, vain, narcissistic, etc. Of course we each think we are the best thing that has ever happened to our man. Naturally. The answer is variety. The more women your man attracts, the more virile and masculine he believes he is. A man is a hunter. He really doesn't have the same peculiarities we have in seeking out a mate. He just wants a woman to cook for him, give him sex (as much of it as possible) and shut up when the game is on. We are a lot more picky. We have an entire laundry list or requirements.
So give him the three things we all know men want a woman for, and you'll get your way most of the time. Got it? Good.
The thing is ladies, you gotta just get past these issues in your relationship. If you know that your man's eyes wander and you also know he is faithful to you ad a good man, let it ride. If you don't you'll go through this misery in ever relationship, and you'll never find a mate.
White Men and Black Women Relationships- An Encore Presentation?
Funny how black women in the new millenium with their Prada shoes, weaved hair and Gucci-carrying- bag- selves all of a sudden want to date white guys because there are so many black guys with white women. So sistas you wanna experiment, huh? I don't have a personal problem with this issue as long as the black women who are doing the interracial dating are sincere and not looking to "even the score" of the black man and white woman dating mystique.
I have had my own thing for white men back way before Mark Wahlberg, Robin Thicke and Channing Tatum were popular. They are fine. But here's the deal. It ain't like you're not getting a man- they are similar, you know. Just because he may take you to fancier restaurants than brothers, or buy you a few more baubles than the brothers, or not tip out on the relationship (so soon) or compliment you daily and tell you what a queen or goddess you are, just because he runs your bath water and sprinkles rose petals in the water in anticipation of your arrival, doesn't forget anniversaries, special occasions, talks about politics, government, world peace, world hunger and Haiti relief - doesn't mean he loves you. Then there's that all-too-important part of the relationship - S-E-X. True, there is no finer specimen on the planet, when it comes to endowment - the black male is simply the epitome of a superior sexual being - hot, muscular, strong, ( I digress) but after the interlude - he's already focused on something (or someone) else). While I do not want to portray my brothers as dogs, many of the relationships I have had with black men have been similar to this description. That white man, on the other hand, will continue to caress you throughout the day in remembrance of your lovemaking - teasing you and telling you how wonderful you feel and all of it, just because you're you. You can't beat that ladies. I don't blame you for trying.
However, if you are in an interracial relationship with a white man, do so because you love his character and you appreciate and respect him for who he is, not what he can do for you. I guess it is really the flip side of what some black women who have "gone to the other side" feel so frustrated about, that the black man only wants sex, doesn't want you for you and will cheat in a heartbeat, not to mention the fact that a lot of sistas out there have their own house, car, bank account, and a good job. Don't date a white man because he is something different because there are plenty of "different" black men around. Don't do it because you're trying to even the score of black men dating white women and "you just want to know how it feels to go around with a white man who will pay for everything." That is game playing at its finest. And someone will definitely get hurt. Life is too short - do the real you.
I have had my own thing for white men back way before Mark Wahlberg, Robin Thicke and Channing Tatum were popular. They are fine. But here's the deal. It ain't like you're not getting a man- they are similar, you know. Just because he may take you to fancier restaurants than brothers, or buy you a few more baubles than the brothers, or not tip out on the relationship (so soon) or compliment you daily and tell you what a queen or goddess you are, just because he runs your bath water and sprinkles rose petals in the water in anticipation of your arrival, doesn't forget anniversaries, special occasions, talks about politics, government, world peace, world hunger and Haiti relief - doesn't mean he loves you. Then there's that all-too-important part of the relationship - S-E-X. True, there is no finer specimen on the planet, when it comes to endowment - the black male is simply the epitome of a superior sexual being - hot, muscular, strong, ( I digress) but after the interlude - he's already focused on something (or someone) else). While I do not want to portray my brothers as dogs, many of the relationships I have had with black men have been similar to this description. That white man, on the other hand, will continue to caress you throughout the day in remembrance of your lovemaking - teasing you and telling you how wonderful you feel and all of it, just because you're you. You can't beat that ladies. I don't blame you for trying.
However, if you are in an interracial relationship with a white man, do so because you love his character and you appreciate and respect him for who he is, not what he can do for you. I guess it is really the flip side of what some black women who have "gone to the other side" feel so frustrated about, that the black man only wants sex, doesn't want you for you and will cheat in a heartbeat, not to mention the fact that a lot of sistas out there have their own house, car, bank account, and a good job. Don't date a white man because he is something different because there are plenty of "different" black men around. Don't do it because you're trying to even the score of black men dating white women and "you just want to know how it feels to go around with a white man who will pay for everything." That is game playing at its finest. And someone will definitely get hurt. Life is too short - do the real you.
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