The Tide Will Fall

Heygirls!  It's just a few days away from the new year (2012) and I have had a revelation for several days... Get out now!  Time to move on with your life and mean it.  Time to look at yourself with new eyes and all the honesty and wisdom and love that God has given you and push through.  It is time for that breakthrough.   You don't need a man to fulfill your desires.  Men are cruel, impatient, strong-willed, vindictive, selfish and jealous.  You don't need them pushing you around and asserting their "authority" over you.  The one I'm with has recently taken a liking to the scripture supporting submissive wives.  (uh-uhn, ohn-no, first of all, I'm not your wife.)  Second of all, I keep telling this individual that the Bible requires for the man to be equally submissive to God.  This, I realize is an attempt at controlling me.  (Like he had done so many times in the past) to the unwitting women he abused over and over again.).  I am particularly bothered by his lack of conscious.  I have heard this individual say to me in response to a conflict, "You should do whatever necessary for a woman of faith to operate, and God will hold me accountable for what I do r don't do."  Well, that's true, but I have a hard time just watching an individual who has no empathy or understanding for other's feelings, no compassion and no heart for anyone.  Always looking to call a spade a spade if it is anyone else but him, but he has a hard time accepting what he's doing wrong.  That's likely the reason he has such an extensive criminal record.  This type of individual places all women in one pot, we're all here for the same reason (to provide him with pleasure and comfort).  I just got out of a relationship with one who was self absorbed, selfish and chauvinistic.  Boy, I can really attract these fools. One of these days I will meet a Christain man, a man of grace, who loves God and is patient, kind and enduring with a loving heart like Jesus and compassion for mankind.  Who is in love with Jesus, first and foremost, and in love with me, second.  Not some leper who is out to ride my coattails because he cannot stand up on his own two feet.  The same one who is always spouting, "I'm a man!" or "I'm the man of this house" is the same one who has had to rely upon me to pay bills, buy cigarettes, take care of financial setbacks, and bail him out of jail.  This I do not call a man, I call this a user and abuser.  If he were the kindest, sweetest, gentlest personality, I may be able to forgive some of the character flaws, but this individual is the meanest spirited person I have ever met.  He rarely picks up the Bible, and when he does, it's to underscore some twisted view on why men are superior, etc. to justify his barbaric behavior.  I have had this individual choke me for taking his little itty bitty marijuana joint.  This individual is a nasty pig, with no pride, who doesn't pick up after himself and who expects me to do all the cleaning and be sweet and innocent (and gullible) toward him.  He has the audacity to invite friends over, with no warning, and expect me to be alright with it.  I really haev no motivation left to do anything positive in this relationship.  I'm sick and tired of living in this reality.  Go, latch onto some other poor victim who doesn't know any better and thinks you can make her happy.  I certainly didn't know any better. Sure, when things are going well for him, he shows concern for me, but the wrath exercised by him, when things do not go his way or if I challenge him (Oh God).  I'm 45 years old and I deserve better.  I have been praying to God for the inner strength to guide me through the next phase of my life and to protect me and my kids as I think of some way to get out of this abusive relationship.  I have no job, no transportation and no relatives in this state.  I know my family would not approve of this relationship, seeing as though I am a highly educated, assertive woman.  I have let myself go because I don't have the funding to maintain my looks and health.  I need to get to the doctor and dentist.  I have headaches everyday that I am sure is related to the stress from this awful relationship.  I could've stayed in the horrible marriage I was in if I knew all of this would be in my future.  It's definitely not going to get any better.  What do I do?